


Stuff My Aunt P Says

by leafingbookstea



Category: Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries
Genre: Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 05:14:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8191541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leafingbookstea/pseuds/leafingbookstea
Summary: Prudence Stanley has an unusual day.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: My inspiration was the great Miriam Margolyes (Our dear Aunt Prudence) and her wonderfully surprising appearances on The Graham Norton Show. If you haven't seen them, get yourself to YouTube tout suite!

**Stuff My Aunt P Says**

 

 

“Miss,” Mr. Butler said, stepping into the parlour, “Mr. Johnson is on the telephone, says it is urgent.”

 

Phryne was at the telephone like a shot. “Bert? Has Aunt Prudence taken ill?”

 

“I’m not quite sure, Miss, but you might want to be here all the same. She said something to me that makes me think she isn’t quite herself.”

 

“What did she say?”

 

Phryne could hear the discomfort in Bert’s voice “I’d, er … that is, I don’t want to say it over the line. You’d better come and hear it for yourself.”

 

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Phryne called for Dot, “Grab your hat and hatpin Dot, we need to solve the mystery of Aunt P!”

 

When they arrived at Riponlea, Bert met them at the door.

 

“Would you go in and keep Mrs. Stanley company, Dottie?” Bert asked, “She’s in the dining room.”

 

Dot left as Cec came in from the garden behind Bert. Neither he nor Phryne noticed him.

 

“Well, what did she say Bert?” Phryne asked with annoyance.

 

Bert cleared his throat and blushed. “Well, Miss, she asked me if … if I wanted …”

 

“Oh for God’s sake Bert!”

 

“She asked if I wanted her to suck my cock!”

 

Bert went red in the face when he heard Cec’s bark of laughter behind him.

 

“It’s not funny, you useless bastard!”

 

“Oh, but it is, mate! Did you say ‘yes’?”

 

Bert launched himself at Cec. The taller man was doubled over laughing so much; Bert managed to knock him to the floor.

 

“Gentleman, ENOUGH!” Phryne roared, successfully keeping her giggles to herself. “I hardly think that is something even you would joke about, Bert, so you must be serious.”

 

 

Phryne made her way to the dining room. She wondered what could have possibly gotten into Aunt Prudence! Her aunt valued respectability and polite behavior above all things, she could not have said what Bert claimed she did, though, for the life of her, she couldn’t imagine he would make up a story like that either.

 

She walked into the dining room to hear the tail end of Prudence and Dot’s conversation.

 

“Really, Mrs. Stanley,” Dot was saying, “I don’t think it is appropriate for me to answer that question …”

 

“Nonsense, dear” Aunt Prudence interrupted, “you can tell me. Are Constable Collins’ assets as significant as his height would suggest?”

 

“AUNT P!” Phryne was aghast and poor Dot looked like she wanted the earth to swallow her whole. In her time in Phryne’s employ, she had seen and heard (and done) a lot of shocking things, but she had no idea what to do with this version of Prudence Stanley.

 

“I’m sorry, Miss” Dot flushed, “I don’t think I can stay.”

 

“It’s quite all right, Dot, I understand completely.” Phryne held Dot’s arm a moment before she left the room, “Please telephone Dr. Mac before you go. I suspect Mrs. Stanley is quite unwell today.”

 

“I believe that is an understatement, Miss Phryne.” Dot replied and left the room as quick as she could.

 

Phryne turned back to Aunt P. The elderly lady was calmly seated in the chair at the head of the table as if she hadn’t said anything.

 

“Oh Phryne, dear, how lovely to see you!” Prudence said, kissing her niece’s cheeks, “It is so darling of you to pay me a visit.”

 

“Aunt P,” Phryne greeted her with hesitation, “what have you been saying to my staff? You have left them quite flustered.”

 

“Really, Phryne, I have no idea what you are talking about. I haven’t said anything to anyone all morning, except a ‘thank you’ to Mary when she brought in my breakfast tray.”

 

Phryne was confused. _Did Prudence lose her memory too?_ “You don’t remember offering something to Bert just a little while ago?”

 

“Oh that!” She said with a dismissive wave of her hand, “I merely offered to suck the man’s cock. I didn’t suggest he go pearl diving. I am a lady, after all.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Mac arrived sometime later, the rare sight of Phryne pacing and fretting greeted her.

 

“Oh, Mac!” Phryne rushed to her friend,” you have simply got to help Aunt P. I have never her heard her speak this way before.”

 

She proceeded to give the doctor a brief recounting of the Mrs. Stanley’s outrageous statements throughout the day. Mac, ever the professional, closed her eyes and pressed her lips together to keep from laughing.

 

“Phryne, you were right to call me.” Mac said, as calmly as she was able. “Did she hit her head today? Is she slurring her words?”

 

“Nothing of that sort, that I know of.” Phryne replied, considering.

 

“We will know more for sure when I examine her. “ Mac patted Phryne on the shoulder. “Where is she?”

 

“In the dining room.”

 

They entered together and Prudence saw Mac and gave a wide smile.

 

“Dr. MacMillan! How lovely to see you, come give me a kiss!”

 

Mac turned her wide-eyed stare to Phryne. “I had no idea things had become _this_ bad.”

 

* * *

 

 

After the examination, during which Mac had to redirect Prudence’s suggestive comments, not once but twice; they had still not found the cause of the sudden shift in her behavior.

 

“Aunt Prudence,” Phryne said, bringing a glass of warm milk to her aunt’s bedroom. “You should get some rest, you have had a very eventful day.”

 

It was then that Phryne noticed a small, empty box on Prudence’s night table; there were a few dark crumbs inside. She held the box to her nose and gave a delicate sniff. _Well, that explains it_ , she thought.

 

“Where did this box come from, Aunt P?”

 

“Oh, from your cousin, Guy. I don’t usually indulge in sweets with breakfast, apart from marmalade on my toast, but there were only four pieces. I thought, what would be the harm?”

 

 

 

 


End file.
